


Nice To Meet Coup

by CongressIsAliens



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: 2021 US Capitol Attempted Coup, Alternate Universe - Politics, American Politics, But I'm american so it's okay, CongressIsAliens writes a story involving congress, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), I'm Going To Hell For This, I'm Sorry, Inaccuracy, M/M, Meet-Coup, Meet-Cute, Pre-Slash, This is entirely tasteless, coup, it had to happen one of these days, or should i say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28897584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CongressIsAliens/pseuds/CongressIsAliens
Summary: Perry's on a new temporary mission to protect the US Capitol, from the New Year through the inauguration.The first few days are incredibly boring.January 6th is...another story.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus
Comments: 27
Kudos: 65





	Nice To Meet Coup

**Author's Note:**

> Yes I realize this is like,,,3 weeks out of date. But I don't care. The pun was too good to pass up. 
> 
> TW for mentions of bombs/guns/violence.

The ornate halls of the United States Capitol are rather impressive to anybody who hasn't seen them before. Marble and artwork everywhere, detailing the great American nation. It would certainly be magnificent, breathtaking even- if Perry hadn't been standing in the same exact spot for almost two hours. 

Perry takes a deep breath. This is a temporary assignment. Just a three-week stint in Washington, DC, in case anything happens before the inauguration of the new president. OWCA agents, interspersed with the normal Capitol police, all to protect democracy. 

Exciting in concept, boring in practice. 

Of course, very few people know about the OWCA forces scattered throughout the building. For all intents and purposes, Perry and his fellow agents are just more police. They aren't even wearing their fedoras- although Perry does carry his with him. Just in case. 

Pinky and Peter are here too, although Perry hasn't seen them since this morning. They're somewhere by where the House of Representatives chambers are, all the way on the other side of the building. 

Perry adjusts his mask, thankful that he doesn't have to deal with his glasses while he's on duty.

Honestly, while this assignment is boring as hell, he's at least glad to be out in the field again. His job was absolutely _not_ intended to be done during a pandemic. One can only do so much PvP/Dungeons and Dragons/Among Us/ _whatever_ distance-thwarting before it gets tedious. Not to mention, the agent meetings are still as boring as ever, and they have to deal with Major Monogram's tech incompetence on top of that. It's been nearly a year, how is he still unable to operate Zoom? 

At least he can do other things in the background while waiting for the Major to realize he's muted.

Perry sighs, shifting his weight from foot to foot. 

What a year it's been. 

And it's only gotten weirder, all culminating in this unfortunately necessary assignment. Three weeks in the Capitol to protect the president-elect- and the whole of American democracy, really. 

Honestly, he's hoping everything stays boring. If it gets interesting, that means something's gone horribly wrong.

The radio on his belt crackles to life, but Perry's only half-listening. It's been on and off all day, there's likely nothing interesting. 

And he's right, up until "...potential explosive devices at the RNC and DNC headquarters, these buildings are being evacuated now..." comes over the airwaves. 

Perry's eyebrows go up as he gives the radio his full attention. That can't be good. 

Briefly, he racks his mind over what the Congresspeople are doing today, and his stomach falls even more. 

They're certifying the election. Something that would normally be entirely boring, definitely not calling for additional OWCA-provided security.

But not this year. Not in this election. Not right now.

So the threat of an explosive- _multiple_ explosives, even...well, it might just be true.

Perry remembers something that came over the radio just under twenty minutes ago- crowds of pro-Trump people ( _nutjobs_ , the lot of them) gathering outside the Capitol building. 

Congress is starting to certify the election in just over ten minutes, if he remembers correctly. Hopefully that crowd stays somewhat peaceful- although due to their nature, he isn't holding his breath. 

This could get messy. 

Four minutes later, the news of barricades being overwhelmed on the west side of the Capitol comes to Perry's radio. 

Okay, forget _could_. This almost certainly _will_ get messy. 

All they have to do is hold on through the certification. Then they'll be home free until the inauguration. 

The minutes tick by slowly, slowly, slowly. 

At about one-fifteen, a long line of Senators come down the hall and file into their chambers, not far from where Perry stands. 

They can't be done already- maybe he's mistaken, and they started at noon?

No, wait, the Republicans were planning to try and argue against the certification of the electoral votes. They must have gotten to Arizona, sending both the House and the Senate into two-hour debate sessions. 

Debating over nothing, of course, and everybody knows it. It's just wasting time. Perry paces a bit- two steps forwards, two steps back, glancing at his watch almost every minute. He's got too much anxious energy to contain. 

It's nearly one-thirty when more bad news comes. The Capitol police forces are retreating up the steps of the Capitol building. 

Perry's stomach falls. The National Guard has to have been called in by now, right? This is a serious threat. Much more than anything that happened this summer. 

Minutes still tick past, thankfully with only the barest strains of rioters able to be heard. And that's only if he really listens. 

At one-fifty, the radio announces that it's been declared a riot. The yells from outside are able to be heard a bit more clearly now, although he still can't make out exactly what they're saying.

Ten years ago, if someone had asked trainee-Perry what he'd be doing right now, he'd be willing to wager that this is _not it_. 

Heck, ask him that question _two_ years ago and he wouldn't think of this. 

The radio crackles to life again, but at this point Perry focuses entirely on what it's saying. "...Rioters have reached windows and doors of the Capitol and are attempting to break in, over..."

What's even going to _happen_ from here? If the mob breaks into the building, how are they going to evacuate the Congresspeople? By then it'll be to late. Are they going to have to evacuate now? At this point, it's becoming more and more likely. 

He listens to the urgent words over the radio, waiting for an evacuation order. The shouts are even closer, even louder. Something crashes against glass, and it's close by. 

There's no way he can wait any more. He's got to get the Senators to safety. Screw waiting for orders. 

Perry runs down the hall, towards the Senate chambers. 

It turns out others have the same idea. Perry isn't the first to the Senate's chambers, as two Secret Service members whisk the vice-president away. Senators stream out of their seats and towards the exits of the room, pressing past to get out of the room. 

"...Evacuate the vice-president first, then the senators..." comes over the radio, just a tad late. The room erupts into chaos as every single Senator receives an emergency alert at the same time. Perry's watch goes off as well, but he doesn't look yet. 

Instead, his focus goes up towards the press box. Up there, multiple journalists and staff find refuge behind their seats, clearly petrified.

He makes eye contact with one of the other OWCA agents turned Capitol security (Agent Cobra, he's pretty sure) and points up at the box. She nods, and they both dash out of the room for the stairs. 

The sounds of the angry mob are even closer. Perry can now make out what they're saying- to say it's _not good_ is an understatement. 

They burst into the press box, gesturing frantically for the journalists and staff to follow them to safety. Agent Cobra leads the journalists out to the safe rooms, while Perry scans the box to make sure that nobody is left behind. 

With a brief glance over the railing, Perry can see the pandemonium in the evacuation. Senators, Security, and Secret Service are all making for the exits. 

A gunshot echoes, then another. Perry ducks, his hand flying to his hip just in case he has to return fire. 

The shot doesn't seem to have come from anywhere close by, thankfully, so Perry continues searching for any stragglers. 

There's one left- a reporter ducked under a seat, clutching a notebook so hard his knuckles are white. Perry reaches out, gesturing for the man to come with him.

The reporter half-rises, but another gunshot sends him diving to the floor of the press box with wide eyes. Perry looks around one last time at the press box and main floor- empty and almost empty. They'll be the last ones down, but at least everybody will be safe. 

Perry grabs the reporter's hand and practically drags him up and out of the room. Agent Cobra left already- the unexpected delay with the gunshots have made them the last ones down. They descend the stairs, their shoes squeaking on the tile floors. Perry rounds a corner, but stops in his tracks when he realizes what's out there. 

The mob has reached the inside of the Capitol. They're _right there_. As in, there's a sea of red hats and racist flags less than _ten feet away._

There's no way they can get down to the safe rooms, not through there. Perry grabs the reporter's hand again, tugging him back the way they came. They'll have to find somewhere else, and _fast._ He hopes that the mob doesn't turn around, doesn't come down this way.

Perry darts down the hall, the reporter still attempting to keep up. Anything will do at this point -office, conference room, janitor's closet, as long as they can hide- but there's nothing to be found. Every door is locked tight, and they don't have the time to spare for Perry to pick a lock. They take one flight of stairs down, then another. Gunshots echo in the air, with Perry wincing at every earsplitting crack.

Finally, they reach a door that's unlocked. Perry pushes the reporter in, looks left and right, then enters the room himself. 

He throws the lock shut on the door, then drags a chair over to brace the door knob. Once he's done that, he finally takes a breath to survey the rest of the office. 

Three similarly stunned faces stare back at him. The reporter, and two people standing besides an unassuming leather-clad box. 

_"Woah,"_ the reporter says. "That was... _wow_." 

Both the people standing next to the box nod vigorously. 

Perry shrugs. He's just doing his job- keeping people safe. Speaking of keeping people safe, he gestures for the three of them to stand aside while he makes sure the room is secure. 

Thankfully, it does seem to be alright as a safe room. Through some miracle, they've ended up in a plain office, with no windows and only the one door. 

A fire hazard, no doubt, but the lack of window is what makes it possibly one of the safest places to be right now. With a few more pointed gestures, Perry gets the reporter to help him push the desk in front of the door to act as a barricade. 

After that's done, he sits on top of the desk and writes a quick note out for the other occupants of the little room. 

"So...thanks for, y'know, saving my life," the reporter says, flopping down on the couch in the corner. "What's your name?"

Perry adds another line to the message in his notebook, then passes it to the reporter. 

"Perry, huh?' one of the aides says, reading over the reporter's shoulder. "I'm Hannah Davids, and this is Gray Bedford. I'm a legislative assistant for Senator Sanders, they're the same for Senator Merkley."

Senator Sanders, he knows, but Perry's never heard of the other person. He makes a mental note to google who Senator Merkley is later. (Small miracle- at least they've got internet.)

"I'm Heinz Doofenshmirtz," the reporter says. "I'd say it's nice to meet all of you, except I'm not really sure if that's the right thing to say right now."

Perry shrugs. It doesn't exactly seem appropriate, no, but it's the standard thing to do. Societal convention- half the time, he's convinced it's a trap.

Heinz hands him his notebook back, and Perry puts it back in his pocket. 

On second thought, there's more questions he should ask. So he scribbles down another message and passes it over. 

"Are any of us injured?" Gray reads, then answers the question. "No, I'm fine."

"Same here," Hannah and Heinz say at the same time. Perry breathes a sigh of relief. That's good. 

"Is there a reason you're passing notes instead of talking?" Heinz asks. "Like, should we be super-silent? Are we in that much danger?"

Perry shakes his head and flips to the first page in the notebook, where his standard greeting is written. 

"Oh. You're mute. Well, that makes sense." He pauses. "Do you use ASL?"

Perry nods emphatically. 

"Cool! I'm a bit- well, probably _more_ than a bit- rusty, but if it's easier than writing notes..."

"Well, I don't know any sign language-"

"-Neither do I-" Gray interjects.

"-so you're going to have to translate for us," Hannah says to Heinz. 

_That's alright, I don't really have much to say anyways,_ Perry signs. 

"So what's in the box?" Heinz asks. 

Gray unbuckles the straps, then opens the lid to reveal a stack of fancy envelopes. "Electoral votes, for Montana through Wyoming," they say. 

Perry's eyes go wide. Oh. Then it's _definitely_ a good thing that he's in here- these votes _cannot_ go missing. 

"Oh wow," Heinz says, echoing Perry's thoughts. "You guys are quick thinkers. I never would have thought of that."

Hannah nods. "We did our best."

"I just hope somebody grabbed the first box," Gray says, taking out their phone. "I'm going to see if everyone's okay."

Perry nods. That's a good idea. He checks his watch, notifying his superiors who (and what) he's protecting. Even if he's not exactly sure where they are. 

They're still inside the Capitol, probably still on the Senate side, but beyond that, all he knows is that he can hear rioters if he listens closely. 

He also texts his family to let them know that he's safe and far away from the riots- they know that he's in DC for work, but they don't know exactly _what_ he does for work. So it's best to lie and keep them from worrying. 

"So, uh, what's everyone's life story?" Gray asks after a little while, setting their phone down. "We're probably going to be in here for a while, we might as well get to know each other."

Hannah shrugs. "I've had a pretty normal life until right now- went to college, went to law school, ended up here. I play piano, that's pretty cool, I guess. What about you, Heinz?"

Heinz hums. "I've actually done a whole _lot_ of things. I was an artist, a bratwurst vendor, even an _evil scientist,_ although I gave that one up after my _daughter_ was born. Pursued journalism instead. After a while, I moved here, and I've been reporting for AP ever since. Gray?"

"Pretty similar to Hannah, actually. Except I almost majored in music instead of political science."

"Oh?" Hannah asks. "What instrument do you play?"

"Percussion- that's the fancy word for drums and all that," Gray explains when they see Perry and Heinz's confused looks. "What about you, Perry?"

"Yeah," Heinz says, "can't say I've ever seen a teal-haired guy in the Capitol security before- and I'm here almost every day."

_I'm actually not technically part of the Capitol police,_ Perry signs, and Heinz translates this for the other two. _I work for OWCA. I'm on temporary assignment to boost security through the inauguration._

"What's O-W-C-A?" Heinz asks, spelling out the acronym the same way Perry did.

Perry pulls out his fedora, and Hannah gasps. "Oh, OWCA! That's the UN's secret agency, isn't it?"

It is, although the UN only has the most basic of oversight over OWCA. They mostly just control the budget- which for a secret agency that regularly keeps the world from erupting into nuclear war, is far too little. 

"What are you doing _here,_ then?" Heinz asks. "I thought OWCA did...I dunno, protecting democracy, _fate-of-the-world_ kind of stuff."

_Well, that's kind of what we're doing today,_ Perry signs. 

"I guess you're right," Heinz says. "I guess I never thought that sort of...coup stuff could happen _here."_

"Well," Hannah says with a laugh, "with all the travel restrictions, we had to have the coup at home this year."

Gray snickers. "In these unprecedented times..." they say, quoting every single email Perry has received in the past ten months. 

"We're all in this together," Heinz says, and Perry laughs. 

Their conversation lulls, a slightly awkward silence descending over them. 

They sit in the quiet for a long time, the silence occasionally punctuated by updates from Perry's radio and Heinz's Twitter feed.

Perry's used to being bored in high-stress situations like this (stakeouts are the _worst_ ), but the others seem just about ready to scream. 

The National Guard of _Virginia_ arrives, about two hours too late. The president-elect makes a rational statement, the president clearly takes the side of the rioters. 

The whole while, time moves like molasses.

Thankfully, they seem to be pretty far from the action. Even with the echoing shouts and chants, they all sound at least somewhat far off. 

At one point, Hannah falls asleep, and Gray isn't far behind, leaving Perry and Heinz the only ones alert in the room.

"How can they fall asleep right now?" Heinz asks, getting up from the couch to sit on the other side of the desk, closer to Perry. 

_It's been a stressful day, and the electoral votes still have to be counted later,_ Perry signs. _I don't blame them- we'll probably be up late too._

"Yeah, you're right. Just seems weird, to sleep through a major historical event."

_People slept through the moon landing too,_ Perry signs.

"That's true. Just- feels weird. This whole _day_ feels weird."

Perry nods. In fact, weird doesn't even _begin_ to describe today. 

"So...where do you live, if you don't live in DC?" Heinz asks. 

_I live in the Tri-State Area,_ Perry signs. 

"Oh yeah, that state. It's a funny name for a state, if you ask me."

_They say it was originally going to be named Wisconsin- I don't know if that's better._

"Wisconsin, huh? Well, it's certainly less confusing than having just _one_ state being named the _Tri-_ State Area. So what part of the Tri-State Area do you live in?"

_The Danville area. It's a nice place._

"Hey, I'm from Danville _too!_ What a coincidence, huh? Well- I'm not really _from_ there, I'm from Drusselstein, but I lived there for a long time after I immigrated here. My daughter still lives there, actually."

_You have a daughter?_

"Yeah," Heinz says, taking out his phone and showing Perry a picture. "Do you have any kids?"

Perry shakes his head. _I have a niece and two nephews, but no kids of my own._ He takes his own phone out to show Heinz his niblings. 

"Are they inventors?" Heinz asks, pointing to the rather large whatever-it-was in the background of one of the photos. 

Perry nods. _They try to make the most of every summer vacation. I'd say they succeed._

"Clearly. Is that a Ferris wheel?"

_It is. They built a whole amusement park on a single track once._

"They did, now."

_That was the day I had to stop a Doctor Diminutive from turning City Hall into juice, actually._

"You had to stop _what?_ "

Perry laughs. _I have to do all sorts of strange things for my job. That isn't even close to the weirdest thing I've done._

"Huh." Heinz pauses. "What about today? Is this close to the weirdest thing you've had to do?"

Perry racks his brain. _Well, I certainly never expected any of this to happen...so yeah, it is pretty weird._

"Speaking of weird, is it weird being mute? Sorry if that's a bad question, but...is it?"

For a journalist, Heinz has surprisingly little tact. But he's not asking maliciously, more just out of genuine curiosity, so Perry decides to answer without sarcasm.

_It's kind of annoying sometimes, but I've gotten used to it. The worst part is people talking over me like I don't even exist._

"That does sound awful. You shouldn't have to deal with that."

_Eh, it happens. The best thing I can do is not let it get to me._

"I guess that's right. You know- you're really _cool,_ Perry. I'm glad I got to meet you, even if the circumstances are...strange."

_I'm glad I got to meet you too._ Heinz's face goes beet red behind his mask, and Perry does a bit of a double take in his mind.

Huh. 

They're sitting on opposite sides of the desk, somewhere in the realm of six feet apart. But right now, it sure as hell feels a lot closer. 

Perry reaches his right hand out, taking Heinz's left. For a long moment, neither of them say anything, and Perry wonders if that was a bad decision. 

Then Heinz squeezes his hand, and all those doubts fall away. 

He's only just barely met Heinz, but part of him feels like he's known him for years. Like they're friends in a different life, maybe. 

Or...more. 

He nearly laughs aloud. Talk about being starved for human contact during a pandemic. Really? Falling for the first cute guy that he talks to? 

Granted, these are strange circumstances. Stress does strange things to the human mind. 

And Heinz is actually a great friend. It's nice to be able to have a real, actual conversation with somebody. Heinz's anecdotes are the perfect thing to calm his frayed nerves, and his surprising empathy is like a mug of hot tea on a snowy day. 

He can think about the ramifications of this _later._ Right now, he can let himself enjoy this. This year has been stressful enough. 

The doorknob rattles ominously. Perry startles, letting go of Heinz's hand, his other hand coming to rest on the pistol on his hip.

After a long moment of the doorknob moving, where Perry barely dares to breathe, fists pound on the door. Gray and Hannah both snap awake.

Perry gestures for the others to get behind him. Gray piles paperwork on top of the box of votes and stuffs it into a corner, disguising it to the best of their ability. 

They all stand in silence for a long moment, waiting with bated breath to see just what happens to them. 

After what seems like forever, finally the banging ceases, and heavy footsteps walk away. 

Perry breathes a sigh of relief, but he doesn't let his guard down yet. That was _far_ too close. 

Things go back to the way they were after that- mostly. Hannah and Gray stay awake this time, but Perry stays more on edge. 

If it's even possible, time seems to move by even slower. Forget molasses or syrup or any other sticky food metaphor, the minutes are trudging through _tar._ The suspense of everything stretches every moment to its breaking point. 

Heinz still stays next to Perry on the desk, although they don't talk much. It's almost as if their previous closeness dissolved into thin air when people pounded on the door. 

Gray and Hannah start talking to each other about something music related, most of which flies over Perry's head. He looks to Heinz, who has a similar flummoxed expression. Perry's radio lets him know that a curfew has taken effect for the entire DC area. 

He checks his watch. Six PM. Seems a bit early, but it's probably gotten dark. It's winter, and all that. And darkness breeds danger. 

Perry sighs. Getting back to headquarters after all this is going to be a _nightmare._

"You okay?" Heinz asks. 

_I'll be fine,_ Perry signs, _it's_ _just been a long day._

"I know. Seems like we've been stuck in here forever."

Perry checks his watch. _Only about four hours or so, but it sure feels like a lot longer._

"Hard to believe we're living through history right now."

Perry nods. _I was hoping we'd live through better history, you know?_

"Like _space travel,_ or something. Not...this."

_Exactly._

Heinz sighs. "Hey, if it means anything, I'm glad I got stuck with you. You're pretty cool."

_I'm glad I got stuck with you, too._

It feels like he should say more, like he should say how nice it is to empathize with someone again, to be something other than the strictly stoic Agent P or the casual and upbeat Uncle Perry. 

It's nice to just be Perry, a secret agent but also a _person_. 

But he doesn't know quite how to say that, especially without it being weird. So he reaches down and takes Heinz's hand again. 

Gray laughs. "Hey, would you look at that."

"What is it?" Hannah asks. 

"They suspended Trump from Twitter," Gray says, showing their screen as proof. 

"About time," Heinz says, checking his own Twitter feed. "Instagram and Facebook too, looks like."

Perry grins. Serves him right. 

After that tidbit of news, the tension in the room levels off for a while. The shouts and other noises from outside their isolated room grow quieter and quieter, and his radio announces the efforts to clear the Capitol building for good. Gray starts a game of Never Have I Ever, and for a few moments, Perry almost feels like this could be just an ordinary get-together between friends.

Perry's radio beeps again, although he only half-listens. He checks his watch. Eight PM. 

"...the Capitol building is secure, I repeat, the Capitol building is secure. Please return Congresspeople to their chambers to continue the certification of the election."

Heinz whoops. "Finally!" 

Gray and Hannah share identical looks of relief. Perry hops down from the desk, and Heinz helps him rearrange the room back to the way it was. (Briefly, Perry wonders if it would be weird to send a thank-you letter to the occupant of this office. What would he even say, _thanks for leaving your door unlocked so we didn't die_?) Hannah moves the paperwork off the box of votes, and she and Gray pick it up. 

After one more look around the room, Perry unlocks the door and looks out. 

It looks absolutely horrible outside- broken glass, garbage, and discarded racist signs are scattered all over the floor. The walls are covered in horrifying graffiti. It will take days to return the place to normal.

But in every direction, the only people around are the roaming Capitol police and mildly shell-shocked Congresspeople.

Perry motions for the rest of them to follow him out of the office. They follow the general clump of Congresspeople back up to the Senate chambers, who share their experiences in hushed voices. 

At the entrance, Gray and Hannah split off with a wave to enter the chambers on the ground floor, while Perry continues up one more flight of stairs with Heinz.

"I feel like I should repay you," Heinz says, their shoes crunching on the broken glass in the stairwell. 

Perry shakes his head. He was just doing his job- keeping people safe. If those people happen to be two Senate aides, a reporter, and a box of electoral votes, well, he'll do his job. 

"You sure?"

Perry nods. 

"Hey-" Heinz says as Perry walks him into the Senate chambers and to his seat in the press box. "-thanks again. For everything."

Perry smiles. _Just doing my job._

"Yeah, but you saved my _life_. I- _here_ ," he says, scribbling something on a piece of paper and handing it to Perry. "I, um, I think you're really cute and maybe after all...this is over, we could go get coffee or something?"

...Oh.

Oh! Heinz thinks he's _cute!_ Perry can feel his face heat up, all the way to the tips of his ears. 

_I'd love to,_ he signs. No question about it. 

The Vice-President taps the gavel on the podium at the front of the room, calling the Senate back to order. _I should get going,_ Perry signs. _Stay safe, okay?_

"I will," Heinz says, flipping open his notebook and smiling softly. "You stay safe, too."

Perry leaves the Senate chambers with a wave, letting everyone inside get on with their business. As he returns to his post, he can feel his heart flutter- but in a good way.

He shakes his head in disbelief. 

What a year. What a _day_. 

But hey, at least it wasn't all bad. 

**Author's Note:**

> ...my username is weirdly apt for this one. 
> 
> Comments and kudos always appreciated!


End file.
